On any given day we will each need help from others in one or more of our life-circles – our work, our families, our church, and our social and community activities, etc. And, we also will have opportunities to extend our help to others. So, why then, do we have such a hard time asking for what we need and helping when and where we can?
Heidi Grant, Senior Scientist at the Neuroleadership Institute and associate director for the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University, in a Harvard Business Review article,1 reminds us that few people actually enjoy asking for help. She goes on to note that research in neuroscience and psychology shows that “the social threats involved [in asking for help] – the uncertainty, the risk of rejection, potential for diminished status, and the inherent relinquishing of autonomy – activate the same regions [of our brains] that physical pain does.” No wonder it’s hard to ask. Grant also notes that while this finding is generally true in all situations where we ask for help, it is particularly true “in the workplace, where we’re typically keen to demonstrate as much expertise, competence and confidence as possible, it can feel particularly uncomfortable to make such requests.”
Coming from a different perspective, Wayne Baker, Professor of Business Administration at the University of Michigan Ross School of Business, arrives at a very similar conclusion suggesting that our reluctance to ask often stems from our belief that asking will be perceived as a sign of weakness or ignorance, that we do not like to incur social debts or obligations, and because self-reliance is one of our core values.
Ellen Hendriksen,3 writing in Quick and Dirty Tips, summarizes these reasons for not asking for help very succinctly: Fear of being a burden; fear of admitting we’re out of control; fear of owing a favor; fear of appearing weak; and fear of rejection.
Yet, in spite of our reluctance to ask, research does show that people are much more willing to help and help more than we anticipate. This research suggests two reasons for this unexpected finding: First, not helping carries a psychological cost which the person asking for help tends to not see and therefore ignores and, second, because most helpers know that helping has good emotional benefits.
So, how do we become more comfortable at asking for the help we need. Here are some large and small steps that the literature suggests:
Heidi Grant summarizes it all this way: “When you next find yourself in need of help, remember that people are willing to give it much more often than not. Few will think less of you for needing assistance. And there is no better way to make someone feel good about himself or herself that to ask for it. It brings out the best – and the best feelings – in all of us.”1
Make it a great week. . . . jim
Jim Bruce is a Senior Fellow and Executive Coach at MOR Associates. He previously was Professor of Electrical Engineering, and Vice President for Information Systems and CIO at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge, MA.
References:
For Further Reading:
Discover the leader within
Sign me up for MOR Associates’ weekly leadership insights communication, “Tuesday Reading.”
HQ + US Mail:
Newton Campus:
Call us at:
© 2023 MOR Associates