Compliments are a good thing, right? Everyone likes to be recognized for a job well done. Especially from someone whose work you admire. They are a special form of positive feedback. However, many of us find accepting a compliment with grace to be a major challenge. Too often, our first instinct is to dismiss the compliment. For example, the recipient:
Behaviors such as these are not only not helpful but may cast the recipient in a negative light.
Now, there are lots of reasons why we don’t like to receive compliments and behave this way. For example,
Research at the University of Minnesota’s Center for Advanced Research on Language Acquisition has shown that two-thirds of the time, Americans respond to compliments with something other than, or in addition to, “Thank you.” We may shift credit – “Sally did the really hard work.” Make a historical comment – “That was just some code I wrote last year.” Question the complimenter – “You really think so?” Reject it – “I didn’t do anything that special.”
So, how should we respond to a compliment. Certainly, we should, in one way or another, respond with “thank you.” As we noted in the previous paragraph, we tend to deflect or minimize the compliment about two-thirds of the time. Generally, this is neither very smart nor polite. When we deny the compliment, or deflect it, we really insult the person who made the compliment. He or she has observed something in you that they thought was praiseworthy. To deflect, minimize, or deny that praise, you are basically contradicting them and saying that they don’t have good judgment or are being insincere, trying to curry favor. And, you are making them feel uncomfortable, awkward, stupid, or frustrated. Where does your conversation with that individual go from this point?
Further, denial or deflection decreases the likelihood of someone complimenting you again. They might think, “Why should I compliment her or him again since they dissed me the last time.”
Compliments show that someone saw value in you or your work. If you dismiss the compliment you are saying to them that you either do not have the capabilities that they recognized or are so insecure that you don’t recognize or acknowledge that you do. Either way, your value is diminished in their eyes.
So, how do you accept a compliment? Here are seven approaches you may find helpful:
Compliments are the way that we acknowledge the excellent hard work of others to support our activities, those of our organization, and others around us like family and friends. As individuals, we need to be aware of and acknowledge the results from this hard work. As leaders, we show that we are aware and care when we acknowledge the hard work of those around us.
So, this week when you are complimented, smile, say “Thank you,” and reflect on and believe the praise that was offered to you. And, look for opportunities to compliment those who support your work. As you do, be specific, and not default to the generic “Thank you, great job.”
Do make this a great week for you and your team. . . . jim
Jim Bruce is a Senior Fellow and Executive Coach at MOR Associates. He previously was Professor of Electrical Engineering, and Vice President for Information Systems and CIO at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge, MA.
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