Lead with emotion but don’t let emotion lead you
[Today’s Tuesday Reading is from Lori Green, Program Leader and Leadership Coach at MOR Associates. Lori may be reached at [email protected].]
I have asked many leadership cohorts what they thought made their boss a good boss. The usual responses are, “they listened to me,” “they cared about my development,” “they trusted me,” “they understood when I had a family need.” No one ever says: “they tell me what to do,” “they look over my shoulder,” or “they give me more work than I can handle.” The theme is that they reached their people on an emotional level. When you reach people on an emotional level, you inspire and motivate them. Our teams are the greatest asset of the organization. When we are inspired and motivated, we become our best selves, do better work and are more willing and able to take on new challenges. When you have connection, you see growth.
When you lead with emotion people feel cared for, inspired and motivated.
Often, I see people let their emotions cloud their judgment and behaviors. Those emotions manifest themselves in making false assumptions, showing lack of trust, using a negative tone of voice and harsh words, being aggressive, and using overbearing behaviors. This is rooted in avoidance. We hide what we’re feeling for various reasons: to look strong, to avoid conflict, to avoid a tough issue, to feel in control, and even for fear of showing our true selves. These responses are the opposite of what we and others truly want.
When emotions lead you, it diminishes your control and weakens your capacity to lead.
Emotions are real – they are what they are. Emotions are not right or wrong. Emotions stem from your beliefs and past experiences. You feel strong emotions when something is important to you, when you feel threatened, or when there are high stakes or differing expectations. Emotions are clues to what is important to you, not something to use as basis for a response or decision making. You own how you feel and why you feel that way. That’s why it is important to first explore why you feel the way you do. Only then should you move to the rational part of your brain to think about what you really want and how to respond in a way that gets the best possible outcome.
You own how you feel.
Emotional Intelligence is being aware of your emotions. When you are self-aware you can manage your emotions. Emotional intelligence is also the awareness and understanding of the emotions of others so that relationships can be managed in a way that moves to a positive outcome and builds our social capital. There’s a MOR maxim that applies here – “Relationships are currency.”
Here are some tips to become more aware:
- To be self-aware, name what you’re feeling. The more specific the description, the easier it is to discover how to manage the feeling. For example: “I feel mad because I was embarrassed in public.” This could lead to having a conversation about how you felt and how to prevent that in the future. If you didn’t like the change, then work to adapt to it. If you are frustrated by someone not following through, then have a conversation about why that’s happening and how to make it better.
- To be self-aware, explore WHY you feel that way. Own your own feelings and do not blame. Here is the ABC Tool with instructions to help explore your emotions by asking yourself specific questions and journaling events that either trigger you or did not end well. We can always learn from what didn’t work well.
- To be socially aware, seek to understand the other person’s point of view and why it is important to them. There are always two sides to a story, and we all believe what we are saying. Use the mantra “seek to understand before being understood” to hear what the other person has to say, why they believe it and why it is important to them. Listening goes a long way. When people feel heard they feel respected. It shows empathy and caring.
- Suspend judgment and biases. Go into conversations with an open mind. Labeling good, bad, right, wrong, etc. serves no purpose and does not leave the mind clear and open to new possibilities. Seek to understand, not evaluate.
- Take a time out and breathe. High emotions don’t make for good conversations. Take the time to cool down, take deep breaths to bring oxygen to your brain, and return to the conversation with a clear head and productive response.
- Have the difficult conversation. Most of these conversations, if done well, turn out just fine. Listen to their point of view, express your point of view and look for where you can agree.
- Practice grace. Grace and kindness go a long way. Assume good intent. Practice kindness, courtesy, thoughtfulness. This is what we would hope to receive from others.
We have all been through a tough few years. We have been struggling with work/life balance, Zoom fatigue, losing staff, and many other things we have had to adapt to. This can lead to our emotions controlling us if we don’t manage them in a productive and healing way. Keep in mind that you have adapted in amazing ways and that you have accomplished many great things while under this stress. Now take the time to connect with yourself and put some positive practices in place to enhance your positive emotions and manage your relationships in a positive way.
Emotional Intelligence can be learned and developed. The more self-aware and socially aware that you are then you will have a greater understanding and ability to manage yourself and interactions with others in a productive way.
Lead with positive emotions and a positive shift is sure to occur.
|
Further Reading
https://hbr.org/2013/08/good-leaders-get-emotional
https://www.morassociates.com/sites/default/files/program/assignments/What_Makes_a_Leader.pdf
- November 2024 (2)
- October 2024 (5)
- September 2024 (4)
- August 2024 (4)
- July 2024 (5)
- June 2024 (4)
- May 2024 (4)
- April 2024 (5)
- March 2024 (4)
- February 2024 (4)
- January 2024 (5)
- December 2023 (3)
- November 2023 (4)
- October 2023 (5)
- September 2023 (4)
- August 2023 (4)
- July 2023 (4)
- June 2023 (4)
- May 2023 (5)
- April 2023 (4)
- March 2023 (1)
- January 2023 (4)
- December 2022 (3)
- November 2022 (5)
- October 2022 (4)
- September 2022 (4)
- August 2022 (5)
- July 2022 (4)
- June 2022 (4)
- May 2022 (5)
- April 2022 (4)
- March 2022 (5)
- February 2022 (4)
- January 2022 (4)
- December 2021 (3)
- November 2021 (4)
- October 2021 (3)
- September 2021 (4)
- August 2021 (4)
- July 2021 (4)
- June 2021 (5)
- May 2021 (4)
- April 2021 (4)
- March 2021 (5)
- February 2021 (4)
- January 2021 (4)
- December 2020 (4)
- November 2020 (4)
- October 2020 (6)
- September 2020 (5)
- August 2020 (4)
- July 2020 (7)
- June 2020 (7)
- May 2020 (5)
- April 2020 (4)
- March 2020 (5)
- February 2020 (4)
- January 2020 (4)
- December 2019 (2)
- November 2019 (4)
- October 2019 (4)
- September 2019 (3)
- August 2019 (3)
- July 2019 (2)
- June 2019 (4)
- May 2019 (3)
- April 2019 (5)
- March 2019 (4)
- February 2019 (3)
- January 2019 (5)
- December 2018 (2)
- November 2018 (4)
- October 2018 (5)
- September 2018 (3)
- August 2018 (3)
- July 2018 (4)
- June 2018 (4)
- May 2018 (5)
- April 2018 (4)
- March 2018 (5)
- February 2018 (5)
- January 2018 (3)
- December 2017 (3)
- November 2017 (4)
- October 2017 (5)
- September 2017 (3)
- August 2017 (5)
- July 2017 (3)
- June 2017 (8)
- May 2017 (5)
- April 2017 (4)
- March 2017 (4)
- February 2017 (4)
- January 2017 (4)
- December 2016 (2)
- November 2016 (7)
- October 2016 (5)
- September 2016 (8)
- August 2016 (5)
- July 2016 (4)
- June 2016 (12)
- May 2016 (5)
- April 2016 (4)
- March 2016 (7)
- February 2016 (4)
- January 2016 (10)
- December 2015 (4)
- November 2015 (6)
- October 2015 (4)
- September 2015 (7)
- August 2015 (5)
- July 2015 (6)
- June 2015 (12)
- May 2015 (4)
- April 2015 (6)
- March 2015 (10)
- February 2015 (4)
- January 2015 (4)
- December 2014 (3)
- November 2014 (5)
- October 2014 (4)
- September 2014 (6)
- August 2014 (4)
- July 2014 (4)
- June 2014 (4)
- May 2014 (5)
- April 2014 (5)
- March 2014 (5)
- February 2014 (4)
- January 2014 (5)
- December 2013 (5)
- November 2013 (5)
- October 2013 (10)
- September 2013 (4)
- August 2013 (5)
- July 2013 (8)
- June 2013 (6)
- May 2013 (4)
- April 2013 (5)
- March 2013 (4)
- February 2013 (4)
- January 2013 (5)
- December 2012 (3)
- November 2012 (4)
- October 2012 (5)
- September 2012 (4)
- August 2012 (4)
- July 2012 (5)
- June 2012 (4)
- May 2012 (5)
- April 2012 (4)
- March 2012 (4)
- February 2012 (4)
- January 2012 (4)
- December 2011 (3)
- November 2011 (5)
- October 2011 (4)
- September 2011 (4)
- August 2011 (4)
- July 2011 (4)
- June 2011 (5)
- May 2011 (5)
- April 2011 (3)
- March 2011 (4)
- February 2011 (4)
- January 2011 (4)
- December 2010 (3)
- November 2010 (4)
- October 2010 (4)
- September 2010 (3)
- August 2010 (5)
- July 2010 (4)
- June 2010 (5)
- May 2010 (4)
- April 2010 (3)
- March 2010 (2)
- February 2010 (4)
- January 2010 (4)
- December 2009 (4)
- November 2009 (4)
- October 2009 (4)
- September 2009 (4)
- August 2009 (3)
- July 2009 (3)
- June 2009 (3)
- May 2009 (4)
- April 2009 (4)
- March 2009 (2)
- February 2009 (3)
- January 2009 (3)
- December 2008 (3)
- November 2008 (3)
- October 2008 (3)
- August 2008 (3)
- July 2008 (4)
- May 2008 (2)
- April 2008 (2)
- March 2008 (2)
- February 2008 (1)
- January 2008 (1)
- December 2007 (3)
- November 2007 (3)
- October 2007 (3)
- September 2007 (1)
- August 2007 (2)
- July 2007 (4)
- June 2007 (2)
- May 2007 (3)
- April 2007 (1)
- March 2007 (2)
- February 2007 (2)
- January 2007 (3)
- December 2006 (1)
- November 2006 (1)
- October 2006 (1)
- September 2006 (3)
- August 2006 (1)
- June 2006 (2)
- April 2006 (1)
- March 2006 (1)
- February 2006 (1)
- January 2006 (1)
- December 2005 (1)
- November 2005 (2)
- October 2005 (1)
- August 2005 (1)
- July 2005 (1)
- April 2005 (2)
- March 2005 (4)
- February 2005 (2)
- December 2004 (1)