Today’s Tuesday Reading is from Susan Washburn, Program Leader and Leadership Coach at MOR Associates. Susan may be reached at [email protected] or via LinkedIn.
Many of you have taken the MOR Influence Inventory and probably also have experience with other assessments like Myers-Briggs, CliftonStrengths, Insights, Birkman, DiSC, and others. I often tell participants in a MOR program that they should take as many of these as possible because I think the more you know about yourself, the more you increase your emotional intelligence. It all starts with self-awareness, so take them all! I even encourage the magazine quizzes…” What Kind of Duck Are You At Meetings?”
I am a big fan of understanding how we show up. And typically, we show up by communicating. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a guide for communicating with everyone we interact with? Susan Scott, in “Fierce Conversations” says that every conversation is an opportunity to improve, degrade, or flatline a relationship. Wow, that definitely calls for some intentional behavior and some epic communication skills.
Unfortunately, we don’t come with a user’s manual. Still, we can learn some techniques to decipher communication styles and improve the likelihood of improving our relationships by communicating in a style that is more easily heard and understood by others.
For the sake of easy memory, I color-code them! Let’s start with those who like to communicate in direct, action-oriented, concise, achievement-driven language. Let’s call it Orange. These folks don’t like wasting time. They don’t need the message wrapped in pillows or burdened with 100% of the information. Get to the point – show them how to be successful.
“I need data. What are the facts?” Call ‘em Green. They don’t always answer quickly. They tend to think first (what a concept!) and look for the logic or the facts behind the message. They don’t necessarily look for the relationship with the other person first, and they may be somewhat slower to respond.
“How can I help?” Ah, Yellow. They are eager to let you know they care and they use words that express more feelings than facts. Not being able to help is challenging for them and they often overlook their own needs for the needs of others.
“I’m flexible, whatever is best for the group.” Hello Purple! These folks use words like “maybe,” “sometimes,” and “possibly,” which is quite a contrast to our Red friends who lean more toward “absolutely,” “always,” yes or no.
This is a VERY abbreviated summary of a lot of theory and here is the So What. If you can identify any of these styles or a blend of a couple, you can more easily alter your communication to be more effective and increase the likelihood of improving that relationship vs degrading or flatlining it. Relationships are too important. They are currency, they are the Coin of the Realm, so any opportunity we have to improve one is a good thing!
People tell you who they are through their communication style. If you listen carefully, they tell you what matters to them and you can adapt your style to theirs. It just takes awareness, listening, and a little vocabulary magic. Start with you. What color do you think represents your communication style? Is it one or perhaps a blend? Then, think about the people you work closely with. What might their preferences be?
Notice that we are all a kaleidoscope of these, not just one color or style, but we do have preferences, and they might show up in conversation. Eavesdrop on conversations and train your brain to listen for the differences. The most effective leaders speak many languages and manage many relationships by being self-aware and socially aware.
Which communication style do you identify with most?
Last week, we asked what you find is most helpful when there is tension.
- 36% said empathizing with what the other person is feeling
- 18% said engaging by exercising your influence
- 16% said encouraging people to remember the norms
- 15% said emphasizing that words matter
- 15% said enlisting others to join in helping
We chose empathizing at least twice as often as any option. Before we can recognize or relate to how others are feeling, it is helpful to understand ourselves. Further, as we read this week, when we communicate, it is helpful to understand our style and how it may be similar or different from others. Among other benefits, this helps us communicate in a way that best empathizes with others.