Today’s Tuesday Reading is by Erika Shoffner, MOR Associates Facilitator and Coach. Erika may be reached at [email protected] or via LinkedIn.
While chatting with a former colleague recently, she joked that she had “gone into the dark side” of leadership. When she first became a manager, she told herself she would never be the leader who had to fire people, make unpopular choices, or have those tough conversations. Her plan was simple: hire the right people, invest in their development, and everything else would fall into place.
But as she learned, leadership rarely works out that neatly. Eventually, she had to make difficult calls, have hard conversations, and hold people accountable. That’s when she labeled her experience as “the dark side.”
I pushed back. I didn’t see it as the dark side of leadership. In fact, she had stepped into the real side of leadership. Because true leadership isn’t about finding ways to avoid difficult situations; it’s about showing up for them with clarity, integrity, and care.
The Myth of the “Perfect” Leader
Many of us walk into leadership roles with unspoken promises to ourselves. I’ll never be like that boss who micromanaged me. I’ll always be supportive and approachable. I’ll hire well enough that I won’t have to deal with underperformance.
But leadership doesn’t come with a cookie-cutter handbook, and most of us enter these roles with no formal training. Instead, we lean on the examples we’ve seen before. We look to the leaders who inspired us and the ones who taught us how not to lead.
What we eventually discover is that leadership isn’t about being “perfect.” It’s about being intentional.
The Likeability Trap
One of the hardest lessons to internalize is that being “liked” is not the same as being respected. Of course, we all want our teams to enjoy working with us, to feel good about the work they do, and to thrive in a positive culture. But if our primary goal is to be liked, we will eventually avoid the very decisions that make us credible as leaders.
Respect doesn’t come from being agreeable. It comes from clarity, consistency, and fairness, even when the outcome isn’t popular.
Nice vs. Kind Leadership
I recently saw a graphic that drew an important distinction between being nice and being kind.
- Nice leaders prioritize likeability. They avoid hard conversations, try not to ruffle feathers, and keep the peace (even if just on the surface).
- Kind leaders, on the other hand, lean into honesty and care. They address issues directly, even when it’s uncomfortable. They give feedback because they want people to grow. They make tough calls, but do so thoughtfully, with empathy.
This distinction hit me hard. It reminded me that intentional leadership is about leading with clarity, courage, and compassion.
The Real Side of Leadership
Leadership will always require tough calls. At some point, you’ll disappoint someone, enforce an unpopular decision, or have to let someone go. That doesn’t make you a villain. It makes you a leader.
The goal isn’t to be liked at all costs. The goal is to be respected for leading with fairness, courage, and integrity. That means choosing kindness over niceness, respect over popularity, and intention over impulse.
If there’s a “dark side” of leadership, perhaps it’s only the shadow cast when we finally step into the light of what real leadership requires.
How to Practice Intentional Leadership
So how do you find the balance between being liked and being respected? Between being nice and being kind? A few practices can help:
Lead with clarity of purpose.
Before making a decision or having a tough conversation, ground yourself in why you’re doing it. Is it to protect the culture? To help someone grow? To ensure fairness? When your intention is clear, your actions will carry more weight.
Communicate openly, even when it’s hard.
Silence breeds confusion. Be willing to share the “why” behind your decisions, and create space for questions. People may not always agree, but they will respect transparency.
Pair accountability with care.
Holding people to high standards is not unkind. It’s a sign of belief in their potential. Frame feedback around growth, not punishment.
Check your motives.
When you hesitate to act, ask yourself: Am I avoiding this because it’s the right thing, or because I want to be liked? That distinction can keep you honest.
Model the balance.
Teams look to leaders for cues. When you demonstrate that it’s possible to be compassionate without compromising standards, you give others permission to do the same.
Which leadership practice do you want to be more intentional in?
Last week, we asked which you feel holds the most promise to help you express appreciation more actively:
- 30% said more active listening
- 29% said saying “thank you” more
- 25% said more handwritten notes
- 16% said greater courtesy
Genuine appreciation is not only nice, it is kind. There are many ways we can express gratitude. What is one you will do today?