Today’s Tuesday Reading is from JC Steenbergen, Service Desk Manager at the University of Illinois and a MOR alum. JC may be reached at [email protected] or via LinkedIn.
During my daily and weekly reflections on my leadership presence, a common theme continues to come up: the difference between framing a situation and blaming someone for it. I like to call it Frame vs Blame. The difference seems subtle, but I’ve found that is where the conversation changes.
Blame
When things go wrong, it is natural to find someone to blame. We look for the person that “dropped the ball.” We want answers quickly, and to distance ourselves from uncomfortable situations or mistakes and those who’ve caused them.
Blame can create defensiveness, which stops understanding. Often, people stop listening once blame enters the conversation. They become more focused on protecting themselves than understanding the situation. In these conversations, one person already feels they have lost.
Frame
Looking at situations a little differently can help us better understand what happened and find real opportunities for growth. One of my previous leaders used to begin difficult conversations with the phrase “Help me understand.” This simple phrase was incredibly disarming. It slowed the conversation down. That leadership presence created enough space for people to reflect and communicate, rather than become defensive and react emotionally.
MOR reinforces this through assumption testing, emotional intelligence practices, asking leaders to be vulnerable, and leadership reflections.
Instead of asking: Whose fault is this?
Leaders can ask: What can we all take away from this situation moving forward?
That shift changes the direction of the conversation entirely.
Accountability Matters
I’ve come to believe that blame is not a necessity, but accountability and coaching are. Responsibility and expectations should remain, and in some cases, corrective action still may be necessary.
Framing is not about removing accountability or pretending mistakes do not matter. It is about approaching those situations in a way that creates growth instead of shame.
Often, we look for a single point of failure instead of identifying opportunities for everyone involved. One person may have lacked resources, another may have made assumptions, and someone else may have struggled with communication or clarity. When the conversation is framed around learning and not focused on blame, people are more willing to reflect honestly and talk about their own opportunities for improvement.
Growth is a Choice
MOR continues to remind me that my leadership presence requires emotional regulation. Sometimes the most effective thing a leader can do is pause a conversation long enough for people to communicate clearly and professionally.
Vulnerability plays a role in that too. As Brené Brown says, leaders must be willing to “rumble with it.” Difficult conversations are unavoidable, but they do not have to end poorly.
How we deal with situations matters. Framing can reduce tension and create space for understanding. Blaming often makes people more emotional and makes resolution harder.
Leadership is about creating environments where everyone can succeed and grow together. This means supporting individuals and keeping the team focused on shared goals. Mistakes will happen. What matters most is what we learn from them and how we choose to grow moving forward.
My motto has been: Growth is a choice. If you’re not growing, you’re slowing.
How much of an opportunity do you have for shifting from less blaming to more framing?
Last week, we asked which insight was most helpful to you right now in stepping out of your own way.
- 45% said transitioning consensus to directing the narrative
- 35% said not being my own roadblock
- 14% said the power of reciprocity
- 6% said the richness of community
More intentionally directing the narrative was the clear front-runner. As shared last week: When we lean into intentional language, shifting from passive facilitation to making clear, confident recommendations, we don’t just share information; we build agreement. That small linguistic shift from coordinating to recommending is where we begin to drive direction. What’s one way you could practice that this week?